Emotional Attack

Yesterday I had a severe panic attack. I couldn't breath and it was total chaos. I think I had an anxiety attack too. I am emotionally unstable; I think I need to talk to a psychiatrist. I don't know what to do with myself anymore because I'm so messed up inside. I wasn't always like this; I used to be a happy person but now I think I'm going crazy. Maybe its all in my head but I really don't know. Sometimes when I sleep it gets hard to breath and my heart races. I find myself crying over things that happened a long time ago; my past haunts me. I remember all the humiliation and heartbreak. It's quite annoying and I don't want to be miserable all the time. I'm always so miserable and angry all the time. This all started when guys started calling me ugly in the 7Th grade and when I used to get hit (parents believe in hitting their children). When I was younger my father was very strict with me. He didn't let me talk to guys or hang out with my friends. I guess all that really messed me up. I'm like border line anti-social. I mean I can talk to people but I never like to get too close. It seems like people are always leaving me. My unofficial ex best friend of 12 years was never really a friend to me. She would chose to hang out with people I didn't like and never remembered my birthday. I knew I should of let her go a long time ago, but I was afraid of being alone. Guess what? I am alone now. I haven't really told her that i don't want to be her friend anymore because I am confused. I mean she has been there for me a few times; putting up with all my drama but I don't think she's in my best interest. She decided to move in with this guy (who's as crazy as she is) in his parent's house. They live in the basement. I don't know if she is even going to school and I just don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I want to let her go, but then again I feel bad for her. It's funny how I always seem to make friends with people who are so messed up!
Yesterday was one of those days when everything just seems to go downhill. My boss was a jerk like always ( I really can't stand that dude) and I got a panic attack. I'm thinking of looking for another job. People say to suck it up but I've sucked up too much. I'm so frustrated!
I have to keep on fighting for happiness even if it drives me insane. I live with the side effects of my past and I can't cry forever. I think I can forgive but I'll never be able to forget. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I want to be able to sincerely give a smile or laugh without feeling fake. There's nothing sweet about me. I'm an angry miserable 20 year old intelligent college girl with a bright future that is emotionally unstable. Is there someone out there that can save me from this depressing state? I am lost will somebody please find me? They say there are still good people out there; I wonder if that's true because I haven't met one yet.
I guess I'll end this with a poem; I haven't written one in a long time but here it goes:
darkness is my home
I sit on my black thorn throne
I might not be loved by many
and I might not be the fairest
in the land so I'm
full of anger and pain
dominated by a brilliant mind
in my darkness I color my periphery
with green, red, yellow and brown
its not a rainbow but its
where my darkness catches color
emotionless expressions portray
a soulless girl with dark brown eyes
and to love I contemplate fantasies
where I won't be ignored
and looking in the mirror
my reflection is unknown
I don't know who's that
blood falls from eyes instead
of tears
and it's still unknown what I feel
arrows in my chest piercing where
my heart used to be
and I don't feel a thing
acid rain falls on my land
i know I'm not a man but
I still try to act just like
one,
I'm being beaten and tortured
they stab me in the back and
in my heart
my lungs collapse
so my last breath froze in the air
on my my black thorn throne
where my darkness catches color
at my periphery.

Catching Feelings In a Colorful Darkness

People fight so hard to find happiness and it just ain't right. It's all about ethics and morality. How far would you go to be with the one you love? Love makes people do some really crazy things. So what are you suppose to do when you want to claim someone or someone wants to claim you?
They say love is a beautiful thing, but then again love is cruel, blind, and deceiving. If you ever meet me you'll say I'm bitter and you might be right. Maybe I just gave my heart to easily and it got ripped apart like a thousand times. The truth is I got rejected from every guy I ever liked, but with time I learned I wasn't the problem. I always fell for the bad boy. You can say I gave up on love because of my experience with rejection. I'm just emotional. That was high school now I'm in college. I'm 20 years old and I never had a boyfriend. I never had a first date or kiss. Back then I would of been sad about it but now it's like whatever. I don't chase love anymore; it has to chase me. I've grown so much since high school and I'm proud of myself.
Most of the girls I went to high school with are pregnant but they where sleazy to begin with anyway. I feel bad for them but that's their life. I'm still depressed but I'm still fighting for happiness. I used to pray for happiness but I learned that you have to go out and get it. It's not going to come so easy. I am still angry at all the guys who made me feel so miserable in high school but I forgave them. I'm angry at myself for not standing up for myself in high school; so I will not cherish those high school days.
I've been waiting my whole life to break free from the chains that bind me in this miserable darkness. However, I'm slowly catching feelings in a colorful darkness. Even though my pain is great and my tears form oceans something in me won't give up. I'm letting go of my only best friend because she was never a true friend. She always chose to hang out with losers who only care about drinking and getting high. We've know each other for 12 years and she never called me for my birthday. I'm the only person who cared about her; I always encouraged her to stay in school and prosper in her life but she chose the losers over me. I'm not sad at all and it shocks me. I loved her so much but she has hurt me too much, and it's time I let her go. I haven't told her yet because I'm confused. She is so messed up that I feel bad about telling her I don't want to be her friend anymore. What do I do?!
I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional about this but I really don't know what to do. We haven't talked in like 8 months and she comes and calls me. Guess what she says. She tells me she moved in with her boyfriend (loser) in his parent's house basement. She's lost her mind that's what I think.
Anyway, I am trying my best not to be so miserable. I talk to people more and I'm trying not to be a jerk to people. I am also trying to smile more but that's hard because I'm not happy yet. It's a process I'm going through and this blog and music is my therapy. I don't want a boyfriend anymore; they are over-rated. I like being single. Now I look in the mirror at myself and see how beautiful I am, how great I am, how smart I am, how sexy I am, how talented I am, and how wonderful I am. I'm catching feelings in a colorful darkness.

Music and me Forever

Sometimes I amaze myself when out of the blue I get these really great ideas. I write every idea down and save it to my idea locker. Music is the primary source to my enlightenment. If I could sing I think I would be a phenomenon. I'm already a great writer; if I do say myself. Even though I'm emotionally tormented I just seem to make up for it with a brilliant mind. I must seem so conceited right now, funny. I can't live without music! Music is my life and without it I think I'll die.
Music is like my therapy and my life support. I like searching for hot underground artists because since they are unknown it makes them even more special. I've been liking Ryan Leslie a lot but he is becoming to be known. Right now I'm finding myself listening to Keisha Cole. I really like her song called, "I remember." It reminds me of all the guys who hurt me but it also makes me realize that I know better now. I also have an elephant's brain-I remember everything.
Ever since I was little I had a passion for music and dancing. Music is my life. I remember me as a little girl dancing in my grandma's house to merengue and salsa. Music is my inspiration for my writing, life, goals, dreams, and ideas.
I listen to everything because I like to broaden my mind. I even listen to country and classical music. I like this country song called, "It ain't no crime" by Joe Nichols. It's such a great song to listen to in the summer. I love Beethoven and Mozart!
However, I prefer the techno remixes of the Beethoven and Mozart symphonies. I found out that if you dance when you feel sad you'll feel better after you dance. Hmmm...interesting..
Music has gotten me through many hard times; its the best therapy for me. I can dance forever.

My 20th birthday(happy bday solitary)

Well, today is my 20Th birthday. I got my hair colored this morning for the first time. I always wanted to color my hair, but never actually implemented that action until now. Now that I have its like blah. I got it out my system. I went from dark brown to medium golden brown but I see no difference. The stylist said it would get lighter after I wash it a few times. Anyway in about 2 hours I have to go to work; yeah I'm working on my birthday. Its suppose to rain today and I hope it doesn't.

It's my birthday but I just don't feel so great. My happy and miserable emotions are at war because I don't know how to feel today. Turning 20 years old is not a big deal or is it? I don't know. I'm here in my room listening to "I wonder", by Reynard Silva and contemplating what will happen today. I mean music is my life; I can't live without it. I guess now that I'm a year older I should try to be more mature and start my healing process.

This birthday is different because I don't want anything and I'm miserable on my birthday. I think I'm miserable because I'm always miserable. Today my hair is down and I got bangs! I never let my hair down so this is big! I wonder what people's faces will look like when they see me today.

I feel even weirder today. I feel so lonely and sad. I need a friend. Next week school starts again (I've been in spring break) so I'm happy about that. I'm mostly in the shadows when it comes to the fun experiences of college because I have no friends. Anyway back to my birthday, its just gloomy outside. They say its suppose to rain today and I'm not looking forward to that. When I come back from work I'm going to eat my cookies and cream ice cream and watch Reaper on CW11. I love Reaper! It's such a great show.

Today it seems like I'm waiting-hoping for something extraordinary to happen, but today I'm feeling a lot of things. Hey, that's me for ya; I'm so weird.

My grandma is suppose to call me today-she always calls me on my birthday but I think I'll be at work when she calls.

Happy Birthday to me....Solitary. :(

I'm Going Crazy

College is a suppose to be a great experience. Its where you are suppose learn more about yourself and liberate yourself from your childhood and enter into adulthood. I'm a junior in college and since I've been there I haven't made a friend. I have been too focused with getting good grades, working to pay for school, and dealing with my misery. I don't have a life! All I do is go to school and work.
Is not that I don't want friends; I'm just to messed up right now. I don't trust anybody because I'm too afraid of getting hurt again. It's no body's fault but my own why I'm so weird. College wasn't suppose to be like this. In high school, I was made fun of and humiliated most of the time. I was always a quite and shy person. However, its not my fault I'm so weird. My extended family is weird. My father's side of the family doesn't even talk to each other and my mother's side of the family is falling apart.
When I was in middle school my father didn't let me talk to or hang out with guys. My parents were very strict when I was younger. Now I don't know how to talk to guys. I'm 20 years old and never had a first date. How sad, right? I used to have a lot a friends, but I got so depressed because guys thought I was ugly that I close myself of to everybody when I was in the ninth grade. People would tell me to wear makeup and dress differently but that's not me. I don't like to mess around to much with my appearance; a pony tail and comfortable clothes is just fine with me. I don't wear sweats; I wear hoodies and jeans and I always match. I still dress like I did in high school but with more variety and more expensive brands.
I don't shop much anymore though because college is expensive. My father struggles to pay for my education. My responsibility is to pay for my books and he pays part of the tuition while I have to get a loan to pay the other part of the tuition. We're a middle class family but I have two other siblings who have to go to college too. I tell you its hard because the economy is bad.
My mother says I should go to therapy but I say, "No, No, No!" Hopefully with time I'll get over this weirdness without drugs. I don't want to be prescribed drugs just because the psychiatrist thinks I've got a problem. I know I've got a problem but I'll worry about that after I find a way to pay for school. I think the government should help people who really want to go to college pay for it. I'm a very good student and I get basically nothing to pay for school. The government thinks I don't need the money just because my parents own their own house. My father is the only one that works to support 5 people. The government knows that and does nothing. I see so many people in my school with the same situation and I just get so frustrated.
I work about 35 hours a week and I save as much as I can to pay for my college loan. It's hard because I only make $8.50/hr. However, I see college as an investment because hopefully when I graduate I'll get a really good job that will return 10 times the sum of what I'm paying for school.
I also know I can't live my life alone. I know I need to make friends, but now it seems hard for me to make a friend because I don't trust anybody. I am so reserved its scary. I am not able to let anybody in. I'm just so messed up; I need a makeover and a vacation. No, what I really want is the money I need to pay for school and my loan. I will get the money somehow; I'll work two jobs even but I will get the money! I'm a fighter and I will not lose.

World Cultures

Did humans create god or did god create humans?


I am an agnostic. I think there is a god but I'm not sure. I'm one of those people that has to see to believe. You may think as you read this that I'm contradicting myself when I say I do believe that there is a heaven and a hell. However, for the most part I think that the bible was made up by humans and it was never dictated by "God". I believe that we did create "God" because we needed to believe in something of a higher power. Its so silly of me to pray when I don't know who I'm praying too and not knowing if there really is a higher power out there. I guess I fear burning in hell for eternity; if there is a hell, that is. The truth is I am just not sure. I haven't read the entire bible, but from what I read I think its all nonsense. I mean people say magic doesn't exist or it's the power of the devil. Well, how did Moses separate the ocean and how did god create all the creatures of the world?! I think that's magic!
However, I guess you have to really study the bible and religion to actually make an educated opinion about this very sentimental subject. In my world cultures class many of my peers said that we created god. If that is so then who created us? Will we ever know the answer to this question? I think not because nobody ever comes back from the dead and says, "Hey there really is a heaven and a God!"
So we dwell in scientific theories and religious beliefs longing to find an answer. Do we really come from monkeys? My little sister is disturbed by that idea that we revolutionized from monkeys. My brother is an atheist. I don't know how he became to be one but he is and I think that's disturbing. I think there maybe something out there; a higher power that is among us because miraculous and weird things happen that leave us bewildered and left unexplained.
One day I hope to actually understand the bible and religion and why people believe in a higher power. Did humans create god or did god create humans? My answer to this question is I don't have a clue. I can go either way but all I will be left with is a hypothesis.
I guess to really come close to an answer we must really study religion, God, and the bible.

Living Life Alone

Waking up every morning implementing the same routine. Going to school never anticipating a conversation with a friend because the truth is you don't have any. Walking alone in the halls with earphones in your ears because you prefer not to hear the world. People look at you and they say you're weird. Some even feel bad for you. You seem not to care because you don't even notice them. You're living in your own world. However, deep inside you're longing for intimacy but too afraid of getting hurt. You've been hurt many times before and you promised yourself it won't happen again. All those tears you cried wondering why you're so messed up. Your past haunts you so you keep reliving it. You think people are the problem; you think they are incessantly contemplating insidious schemes to hurt you. You have become quite paranoid; you don't trust anybody anymore. Trying to figure out what's wrong with you but you lack the will to change. You want to be happy but keep acting the same. You want to be beautiful but you dress in rags. You want to be loved but you treat people like they don't mean a thing. You always want to be left alone. Sometimes you think you're going crazy; you research the symptoms and you got a list of possible diseases and phobias to prove your hypothesis. You got a brilliant but discombobulated mind. Sometimes its quite scary and demented. You hate guys because they always call you ugly now you think every guy is a jerk. You hate girls because they initiate drama. Deep down you want to be loved but you don't want to be humiliated or hurt....again. Your mother says you need therapy. You think being miserable makes you stronger because you never let anybody get close so they could never hurt you. You always got those earphones in your ears, living in your own world of music and misery. If there is a cure its probably a stack of drugs so therefore you prefer to suffer in your solitary existence. It's been a long time since you've been sincere about how you feel and you cry every night about the same thing. You don't want to hurt; you don't want to be alone but you think its for the best. Someones reaching out for you but you prefer to fall into the dark abyss. Cleared out all the reality from your mind and living life alone. Your heart died a long time ago; there's no empathy. Living life alone, speechless, and miserable.