Emotional Attack

Yesterday I had a severe panic attack. I couldn't breath and it was total chaos. I think I had an anxiety attack too. I am emotionally unstable; I think I need to talk to a psychiatrist. I don't know what to do with myself anymore because I'm so messed up inside. I wasn't always like this; I used to be a happy person but now I think I'm going crazy. Maybe its all in my head but I really don't know. Sometimes when I sleep it gets hard to breath and my heart races. I find myself crying over things that happened a long time ago; my past haunts me. I remember all the humiliation and heartbreak. It's quite annoying and I don't want to be miserable all the time. I'm always so miserable and angry all the time. This all started when guys started calling me ugly in the 7Th grade and when I used to get hit (parents believe in hitting their children). When I was younger my father was very strict with me. He didn't let me talk to guys or hang out with my friends. I guess all that really messed me up. I'm like border line anti-social. I mean I can talk to people but I never like to get too close. It seems like people are always leaving me. My unofficial ex best friend of 12 years was never really a friend to me. She would chose to hang out with people I didn't like and never remembered my birthday. I knew I should of let her go a long time ago, but I was afraid of being alone. Guess what? I am alone now. I haven't really told her that i don't want to be her friend anymore because I am confused. I mean she has been there for me a few times; putting up with all my drama but I don't think she's in my best interest. She decided to move in with this guy (who's as crazy as she is) in his parent's house. They live in the basement. I don't know if she is even going to school and I just don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I want to let her go, but then again I feel bad for her. It's funny how I always seem to make friends with people who are so messed up!
Yesterday was one of those days when everything just seems to go downhill. My boss was a jerk like always ( I really can't stand that dude) and I got a panic attack. I'm thinking of looking for another job. People say to suck it up but I've sucked up too much. I'm so frustrated!
I have to keep on fighting for happiness even if it drives me insane. I live with the side effects of my past and I can't cry forever. I think I can forgive but I'll never be able to forget. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I want to be able to sincerely give a smile or laugh without feeling fake. There's nothing sweet about me. I'm an angry miserable 20 year old intelligent college girl with a bright future that is emotionally unstable. Is there someone out there that can save me from this depressing state? I am lost will somebody please find me? They say there are still good people out there; I wonder if that's true because I haven't met one yet.
I guess I'll end this with a poem; I haven't written one in a long time but here it goes:
darkness is my home
I sit on my black thorn throne
I might not be loved by many
and I might not be the fairest
in the land so I'm
full of anger and pain
dominated by a brilliant mind
in my darkness I color my periphery
with green, red, yellow and brown
its not a rainbow but its
where my darkness catches color
emotionless expressions portray
a soulless girl with dark brown eyes
and to love I contemplate fantasies
where I won't be ignored
and looking in the mirror
my reflection is unknown
I don't know who's that
blood falls from eyes instead
of tears
and it's still unknown what I feel
arrows in my chest piercing where
my heart used to be
and I don't feel a thing
acid rain falls on my land
i know I'm not a man but
I still try to act just like
one,
I'm being beaten and tortured
they stab me in the back and
in my heart
my lungs collapse
so my last breath froze in the air
on my my black thorn throne
where my darkness catches color
at my periphery.

Catching Feelings In a Colorful Darkness

People fight so hard to find happiness and it just ain't right. It's all about ethics and morality. How far would you go to be with the one you love? Love makes people do some really crazy things. So what are you suppose to do when you want to claim someone or someone wants to claim you?
They say love is a beautiful thing, but then again love is cruel, blind, and deceiving. If you ever meet me you'll say I'm bitter and you might be right. Maybe I just gave my heart to easily and it got ripped apart like a thousand times. The truth is I got rejected from every guy I ever liked, but with time I learned I wasn't the problem. I always fell for the bad boy. You can say I gave up on love because of my experience with rejection. I'm just emotional. That was high school now I'm in college. I'm 20 years old and I never had a boyfriend. I never had a first date or kiss. Back then I would of been sad about it but now it's like whatever. I don't chase love anymore; it has to chase me. I've grown so much since high school and I'm proud of myself.
Most of the girls I went to high school with are pregnant but they where sleazy to begin with anyway. I feel bad for them but that's their life. I'm still depressed but I'm still fighting for happiness. I used to pray for happiness but I learned that you have to go out and get it. It's not going to come so easy. I am still angry at all the guys who made me feel so miserable in high school but I forgave them. I'm angry at myself for not standing up for myself in high school; so I will not cherish those high school days.
I've been waiting my whole life to break free from the chains that bind me in this miserable darkness. However, I'm slowly catching feelings in a colorful darkness. Even though my pain is great and my tears form oceans something in me won't give up. I'm letting go of my only best friend because she was never a true friend. She always chose to hang out with losers who only care about drinking and getting high. We've know each other for 12 years and she never called me for my birthday. I'm the only person who cared about her; I always encouraged her to stay in school and prosper in her life but she chose the losers over me. I'm not sad at all and it shocks me. I loved her so much but she has hurt me too much, and it's time I let her go. I haven't told her yet because I'm confused. She is so messed up that I feel bad about telling her I don't want to be her friend anymore. What do I do?!
I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional about this but I really don't know what to do. We haven't talked in like 8 months and she comes and calls me. Guess what she says. She tells me she moved in with her boyfriend (loser) in his parent's house basement. She's lost her mind that's what I think.
Anyway, I am trying my best not to be so miserable. I talk to people more and I'm trying not to be a jerk to people. I am also trying to smile more but that's hard because I'm not happy yet. It's a process I'm going through and this blog and music is my therapy. I don't want a boyfriend anymore; they are over-rated. I like being single. Now I look in the mirror at myself and see how beautiful I am, how great I am, how smart I am, how sexy I am, how talented I am, and how wonderful I am. I'm catching feelings in a colorful darkness.

Music and me Forever

Sometimes I amaze myself when out of the blue I get these really great ideas. I write every idea down and save it to my idea locker. Music is the primary source to my enlightenment. If I could sing I think I would be a phenomenon. I'm already a great writer; if I do say myself. Even though I'm emotionally tormented I just seem to make up for it with a brilliant mind. I must seem so conceited right now, funny. I can't live without music! Music is my life and without it I think I'll die.
Music is like my therapy and my life support. I like searching for hot underground artists because since they are unknown it makes them even more special. I've been liking Ryan Leslie a lot but he is becoming to be known. Right now I'm finding myself listening to Keisha Cole. I really like her song called, "I remember." It reminds me of all the guys who hurt me but it also makes me realize that I know better now. I also have an elephant's brain-I remember everything.
Ever since I was little I had a passion for music and dancing. Music is my life. I remember me as a little girl dancing in my grandma's house to merengue and salsa. Music is my inspiration for my writing, life, goals, dreams, and ideas.
I listen to everything because I like to broaden my mind. I even listen to country and classical music. I like this country song called, "It ain't no crime" by Joe Nichols. It's such a great song to listen to in the summer. I love Beethoven and Mozart!
However, I prefer the techno remixes of the Beethoven and Mozart symphonies. I found out that if you dance when you feel sad you'll feel better after you dance. Hmmm...interesting..
Music has gotten me through many hard times; its the best therapy for me. I can dance forever.