Emotional Attack

Yesterday I had a severe panic attack. I couldn't breath and it was total chaos. I think I had an anxiety attack too. I am emotionally unstable; I think I need to talk to a psychiatrist. I don't know what to do with myself anymore because I'm so messed up inside. I wasn't always like this; I used to be a happy person but now I think I'm going crazy. Maybe its all in my head but I really don't know. Sometimes when I sleep it gets hard to breath and my heart races. I find myself crying over things that happened a long time ago; my past haunts me. I remember all the humiliation and heartbreak. It's quite annoying and I don't want to be miserable all the time. I'm always so miserable and angry all the time. This all started when guys started calling me ugly in the 7Th grade and when I used to get hit (parents believe in hitting their children). When I was younger my father was very strict with me. He didn't let me talk to guys or hang out with my friends. I guess all that really messed me up. I'm like border line anti-social. I mean I can talk to people but I never like to get too close. It seems like people are always leaving me. My unofficial ex best friend of 12 years was never really a friend to me. She would chose to hang out with people I didn't like and never remembered my birthday. I knew I should of let her go a long time ago, but I was afraid of being alone. Guess what? I am alone now. I haven't really told her that i don't want to be her friend anymore because I am confused. I mean she has been there for me a few times; putting up with all my drama but I don't think she's in my best interest. She decided to move in with this guy (who's as crazy as she is) in his parent's house. They live in the basement. I don't know if she is even going to school and I just don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I want to let her go, but then again I feel bad for her. It's funny how I always seem to make friends with people who are so messed up!
Yesterday was one of those days when everything just seems to go downhill. My boss was a jerk like always ( I really can't stand that dude) and I got a panic attack. I'm thinking of looking for another job. People say to suck it up but I've sucked up too much. I'm so frustrated!
I have to keep on fighting for happiness even if it drives me insane. I live with the side effects of my past and I can't cry forever. I think I can forgive but I'll never be able to forget. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I want to be able to sincerely give a smile or laugh without feeling fake. There's nothing sweet about me. I'm an angry miserable 20 year old intelligent college girl with a bright future that is emotionally unstable. Is there someone out there that can save me from this depressing state? I am lost will somebody please find me? They say there are still good people out there; I wonder if that's true because I haven't met one yet.
I guess I'll end this with a poem; I haven't written one in a long time but here it goes:
darkness is my home
I sit on my black thorn throne
I might not be loved by many
and I might not be the fairest
in the land so I'm
full of anger and pain
dominated by a brilliant mind
in my darkness I color my periphery
with green, red, yellow and brown
its not a rainbow but its
where my darkness catches color
emotionless expressions portray
a soulless girl with dark brown eyes
and to love I contemplate fantasies
where I won't be ignored
and looking in the mirror
my reflection is unknown
I don't know who's that
blood falls from eyes instead
of tears
and it's still unknown what I feel
arrows in my chest piercing where
my heart used to be
and I don't feel a thing
acid rain falls on my land
i know I'm not a man but
I still try to act just like
one,
I'm being beaten and tortured
they stab me in the back and
in my heart
my lungs collapse
so my last breath froze in the air
on my my black thorn throne
where my darkness catches color
at my periphery.