My 20th birthday(happy bday solitary)

Well, today is my 20Th birthday. I got my hair colored this morning for the first time. I always wanted to color my hair, but never actually implemented that action until now. Now that I have its like blah. I got it out my system. I went from dark brown to medium golden brown but I see no difference. The stylist said it would get lighter after I wash it a few times. Anyway in about 2 hours I have to go to work; yeah I'm working on my birthday. Its suppose to rain today and I hope it doesn't.

It's my birthday but I just don't feel so great. My happy and miserable emotions are at war because I don't know how to feel today. Turning 20 years old is not a big deal or is it? I don't know. I'm here in my room listening to "I wonder", by Reynard Silva and contemplating what will happen today. I mean music is my life; I can't live without it. I guess now that I'm a year older I should try to be more mature and start my healing process.

This birthday is different because I don't want anything and I'm miserable on my birthday. I think I'm miserable because I'm always miserable. Today my hair is down and I got bangs! I never let my hair down so this is big! I wonder what people's faces will look like when they see me today.

I feel even weirder today. I feel so lonely and sad. I need a friend. Next week school starts again (I've been in spring break) so I'm happy about that. I'm mostly in the shadows when it comes to the fun experiences of college because I have no friends. Anyway back to my birthday, its just gloomy outside. They say its suppose to rain today and I'm not looking forward to that. When I come back from work I'm going to eat my cookies and cream ice cream and watch Reaper on CW11. I love Reaper! It's such a great show.

Today it seems like I'm waiting-hoping for something extraordinary to happen, but today I'm feeling a lot of things. Hey, that's me for ya; I'm so weird.

My grandma is suppose to call me today-she always calls me on my birthday but I think I'll be at work when she calls.

Happy Birthday to me....Solitary. :(

I'm Going Crazy

College is a suppose to be a great experience. Its where you are suppose learn more about yourself and liberate yourself from your childhood and enter into adulthood. I'm a junior in college and since I've been there I haven't made a friend. I have been too focused with getting good grades, working to pay for school, and dealing with my misery. I don't have a life! All I do is go to school and work.
Is not that I don't want friends; I'm just to messed up right now. I don't trust anybody because I'm too afraid of getting hurt again. It's no body's fault but my own why I'm so weird. College wasn't suppose to be like this. In high school, I was made fun of and humiliated most of the time. I was always a quite and shy person. However, its not my fault I'm so weird. My extended family is weird. My father's side of the family doesn't even talk to each other and my mother's side of the family is falling apart.
When I was in middle school my father didn't let me talk to or hang out with guys. My parents were very strict when I was younger. Now I don't know how to talk to guys. I'm 20 years old and never had a first date. How sad, right? I used to have a lot a friends, but I got so depressed because guys thought I was ugly that I close myself of to everybody when I was in the ninth grade. People would tell me to wear makeup and dress differently but that's not me. I don't like to mess around to much with my appearance; a pony tail and comfortable clothes is just fine with me. I don't wear sweats; I wear hoodies and jeans and I always match. I still dress like I did in high school but with more variety and more expensive brands.
I don't shop much anymore though because college is expensive. My father struggles to pay for my education. My responsibility is to pay for my books and he pays part of the tuition while I have to get a loan to pay the other part of the tuition. We're a middle class family but I have two other siblings who have to go to college too. I tell you its hard because the economy is bad.
My mother says I should go to therapy but I say, "No, No, No!" Hopefully with time I'll get over this weirdness without drugs. I don't want to be prescribed drugs just because the psychiatrist thinks I've got a problem. I know I've got a problem but I'll worry about that after I find a way to pay for school. I think the government should help people who really want to go to college pay for it. I'm a very good student and I get basically nothing to pay for school. The government thinks I don't need the money just because my parents own their own house. My father is the only one that works to support 5 people. The government knows that and does nothing. I see so many people in my school with the same situation and I just get so frustrated.
I work about 35 hours a week and I save as much as I can to pay for my college loan. It's hard because I only make $8.50/hr. However, I see college as an investment because hopefully when I graduate I'll get a really good job that will return 10 times the sum of what I'm paying for school.
I also know I can't live my life alone. I know I need to make friends, but now it seems hard for me to make a friend because I don't trust anybody. I am so reserved its scary. I am not able to let anybody in. I'm just so messed up; I need a makeover and a vacation. No, what I really want is the money I need to pay for school and my loan. I will get the money somehow; I'll work two jobs even but I will get the money! I'm a fighter and I will not lose.

World Cultures

Did humans create god or did god create humans?


I am an agnostic. I think there is a god but I'm not sure. I'm one of those people that has to see to believe. You may think as you read this that I'm contradicting myself when I say I do believe that there is a heaven and a hell. However, for the most part I think that the bible was made up by humans and it was never dictated by "God". I believe that we did create "God" because we needed to believe in something of a higher power. Its so silly of me to pray when I don't know who I'm praying too and not knowing if there really is a higher power out there. I guess I fear burning in hell for eternity; if there is a hell, that is. The truth is I am just not sure. I haven't read the entire bible, but from what I read I think its all nonsense. I mean people say magic doesn't exist or it's the power of the devil. Well, how did Moses separate the ocean and how did god create all the creatures of the world?! I think that's magic!
However, I guess you have to really study the bible and religion to actually make an educated opinion about this very sentimental subject. In my world cultures class many of my peers said that we created god. If that is so then who created us? Will we ever know the answer to this question? I think not because nobody ever comes back from the dead and says, "Hey there really is a heaven and a God!"
So we dwell in scientific theories and religious beliefs longing to find an answer. Do we really come from monkeys? My little sister is disturbed by that idea that we revolutionized from monkeys. My brother is an atheist. I don't know how he became to be one but he is and I think that's disturbing. I think there maybe something out there; a higher power that is among us because miraculous and weird things happen that leave us bewildered and left unexplained.
One day I hope to actually understand the bible and religion and why people believe in a higher power. Did humans create god or did god create humans? My answer to this question is I don't have a clue. I can go either way but all I will be left with is a hypothesis.
I guess to really come close to an answer we must really study religion, God, and the bible.

Living Life Alone

Waking up every morning implementing the same routine. Going to school never anticipating a conversation with a friend because the truth is you don't have any. Walking alone in the halls with earphones in your ears because you prefer not to hear the world. People look at you and they say you're weird. Some even feel bad for you. You seem not to care because you don't even notice them. You're living in your own world. However, deep inside you're longing for intimacy but too afraid of getting hurt. You've been hurt many times before and you promised yourself it won't happen again. All those tears you cried wondering why you're so messed up. Your past haunts you so you keep reliving it. You think people are the problem; you think they are incessantly contemplating insidious schemes to hurt you. You have become quite paranoid; you don't trust anybody anymore. Trying to figure out what's wrong with you but you lack the will to change. You want to be happy but keep acting the same. You want to be beautiful but you dress in rags. You want to be loved but you treat people like they don't mean a thing. You always want to be left alone. Sometimes you think you're going crazy; you research the symptoms and you got a list of possible diseases and phobias to prove your hypothesis. You got a brilliant but discombobulated mind. Sometimes its quite scary and demented. You hate guys because they always call you ugly now you think every guy is a jerk. You hate girls because they initiate drama. Deep down you want to be loved but you don't want to be humiliated or hurt....again. Your mother says you need therapy. You think being miserable makes you stronger because you never let anybody get close so they could never hurt you. You always got those earphones in your ears, living in your own world of music and misery. If there is a cure its probably a stack of drugs so therefore you prefer to suffer in your solitary existence. It's been a long time since you've been sincere about how you feel and you cry every night about the same thing. You don't want to hurt; you don't want to be alone but you think its for the best. Someones reaching out for you but you prefer to fall into the dark abyss. Cleared out all the reality from your mind and living life alone. Your heart died a long time ago; there's no empathy. Living life alone, speechless, and miserable.